This Life I No Longer Call My Own

My Timothy Speech

tarwars — Wed, 12 May 2010 18:13:10 +0000

This is a speech I gave during my high school graduation (May 2008). I was just looking through old files and stumbled across it. I love reading things that I wrote a while back, then seeing the ways God has grown me since then

I hope someone reads this that needs to hear it:

When your life feels empty, you want it to be filled. I am an empty sinner who is in need of filling. In my own case, I have tried to fill myself. What I’ve realized, but have been unable to bring to fruition on my own, is that God needs to be the filler.

This past fall, I had been struggling with a lot of my sin. I felt like there was no way out other than to get it off my chest to someone. It was on the high school retreat that I was finally able to confess my sin to one of my close friends. While we grew closer as we talked and the chains of sin were broken, I realized that I should look to God for answers, so I delved into scripture. I was encouraged by what I found, but I felt like I still had more to confess. As I continued to talk to several of my friends, I found satisfaction in overcoming my struggles, but I grew emptier. I stopped relying on God to be my source of satisfaction and truth. That was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made.

I would rather put my trust in something or someone, like my friends, than in God. I attach myself to my friends because it doesn’t require faith. Faith requires me to give up myself, which as a sinful human is extremely difficult. Faith requires that I follow God’s commands even if it means I have to get out of my safe, comfortable little bubble. Faith, though, is what I was lacking.

Don’t think that I am saying anything against friendship. Quite the opposite. A relationship involves a gradual giving up of our self and of control. This happens in friendships, in our workplaces, and even more in marriages. But I was attempting to fill myself with others and with more of me. I thought that telling someone would be the end of all of my problems, but when I left God out of the picture, it just created more.

I was trying to make an equation for God. I wanted him to fit into this small space in my life, when he should be taking up all of it. But I have realized that God doesn’t necessarily fit into my life in the ways that I want him to.

The point is that we need to have faith in God, and that he knows what is best for our lives. Only he can fill us. Only he knows how to fill us.

Some encouraging words come from 2 Timothy 2:11-13:

“If we have died with him, we will also live with him;

if we endure, we will also reign with him;

if we deny him, he will also deny us;

if we are faithless, he remains faithful—

for he cannot deny himself.”

Rise Up, O Men of God!

tarwars — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:44:30 +0000

Rise up, O men of God!

Have done with lesser things.

Give heart and mind and soul and strength

To serve the King of kings.

Rise up, O men of God!

The kingdom tarries long.

Bring in the day of brotherhood

And end the night of wrong.

Rise up, O men of God!

The church for you doth wait,

Her strength unequal to her task;

Rise up and make her great!

Lift high the cross of Christ!

Tread where His feet have trod.

As brothers of the Son of Man,

Rise up, O men of God!

-William Merrill

————–

This is something I really have had a desire to focus on this year– seeking to grow other guys into men of God that will rise up and be the men that God has called them to be. At the beginning of this year, this was read to a bunch of the men in Rinker, the dorm where I am living this year. It is not just a nice little reading. It’s a challenge, and it is my prayer that it would be something guys wrestle with this year and seek to do something about and stop being passive and uninvolved. It’s God’s calling for men to be the head of the household and they need– WE need– to live up to that calling.

That’s pretty much all I’ve got to say about that right now. I hope this gets seen by someone who really needs to hear it and is challenged by it.

The Battle…

tarwars — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 02:14:10 +0000

As I sit here, drenched in drying sweat, my mouth half-numb, I am compelled to write this note.

In Bible study lately, we’ve been talking about the Lord’s Prayer, specifically the line that says: “Not my will but yours be done”

We talked about how “dangerous” and “risky” it is. Why, you may ask?

Because if we pray and sincerely mean it, that means giving up our own sovereignty and letting God take the reigns. We lose control.

But the greatest comfort of comes from Romans 8:28, which says:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

This is so comforting because even though I may give up the reigns of my life, God’s got something even better and more amazing planned.

Today was one of those days where I got to witness God orchestrating everything to bring about good. A few minutes ago, I was driving home and I was struck with awe as I realized the many connections and seeming coincidences that brought about today’s order of events.

As a recap, I went to the dentist yesterday and they said I needed to come back to get a filling. So I scheduled the appointment for today, because I don’t work until one o’clock.

So, when I went to the appointment, they got me in really quickly, and before I knew it, I was done. It took about twenty minutes, so I still had an hour and a half at least until work. So I started driving home.

That’s when the battle began.

When I was passing the mall, a few streets from my own, I noticed a car pulled over to the side of the road. A thought quickly went through my mind that maybe I should help them.

But I pushed the thought aside.

Then came the conviction.

It’s one of those things that you love to hate. God uses scripture to convict our hearts, and we know that if we listen to what he’s saying, he’ll grow us, but it will mean giving up our immediate comforts so that we can reap the ultimate pleasure with Christ in heaven some day.

But (I’m sure you’ve experienced this) I began to rationalize my way out of it. I didn’t want to go help them; I wanted to go home.

I kept driving.

“I’m too far, I can’t turn around now,” I found myself saying.

No, said God, turn around.

The words weren’t clear like he was talking to me, but he was bringing to mind scripture that I had studied:

James 4:17

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.”

Proverbs 3:27

“Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.”

I’m not writing this so you’ll think I’m some great person or I’ve got it all together. I want to let you know how completely rebellious I am towards God sometimes.

So, as I got to my street, I was compelled to turn around and drive back to that car. When I pulled up, they were trying to change a tire and put on the spare. Thankfully, my Dad had taught me how to change a tire, so I immediately offered to help put the jack up and unscrew the tires. The woman’s name was Tracy, and she had two girls with her, Kiki and Tiara. We changed the tire, but she needed to give the car a jump-start. After trying several times without it working, she called someone on her phone and asked if I could give her a ride home. She was late to work (in Belle Glade) and decided she’d just go back home. I said yes, and drove them back to their place a ways down the road.

Driving home, God started to show me how he orchestrated everything to happen as it did that day: the follow-up dentist appointment being scheduled for that specific time; the appointment being quick; me knowing how to change a tire; the fact that I needed a re-filling on one of my teeth alone is evidence that God’s been planning this for a while.

So, the point of this is to both convict and encourage. We need to listen to God’s voice and keep our eyes open for opportunities to serve people in need. I bring encouragement in the fact that I’m not perfect. None of us are. God’s grace, though, is sufficient for us, and his power is made perfect in our weakness.

1 John 1:5-2:6

tarwars — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:24:44 +0000

I was reading this morning from 1 John and thought this was both convicting and encouraging, and definitely worth sharing:

1 John 1:5-2:6

5This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 8If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

¹My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. ²He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

³We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. ⁴The man who says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. ⁵But if anyone obeys his word, God’s love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: ⁶Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

Something I wrote in Peralta…

tarwars — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:34:18 +0000

This is a poem/psalm/song/prayer that I wrote on our last day in The Dominican Republic back during Spring Break in March. We woke up early in the morning while it was still dark and trekked up into the mountains. I wrote this as we sat atop a mountain watching the sun rise and the town awoke. It was amazing, to say the least. And inspired this:

Almighty glorious God,

Creator of everything beautiful

Can I use words to speak of how great you are?

Can a man do more than wonder at your glory?

Your majesty is in the breaking days

in the colors of the morning.

Who am I that I should be given the privilege

of gazing upon the light you have created?

Or what is man that he should look at what you have formed with your own words?

It was they that brought this world into being,

and they that made man from the dirt.

If this is creation tainted,

how much longer must I wait until it is revealed in its perfection?

Lord, in the dark, your moonlight reveals the rivers,

in daylight, your glory comes in fullness.

Let it fall upon the water.

Let it fall upon the ground.

Let it fall upon the forests.

The sunrise is a testament to your faithfulness,

a reminder of your deep love.

Precious one, never let this beauty fade from my memory.

You are the source of life and you give it abundantly.

Bestow on me that everlasting love.

(3/14/09)

People/Music

tarwars — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 21:12:38 +0000

So I had this idea today to write down all the songs that remind me of people, because it happens a lot and I think it could be fun and interesting. There’s gonna be multiple people for a few songs, but live with it. You’re made in God’s image, but not quite as special as you think. You may not even be someone I talk to ever, but if a song reminds me of you, I’m just gonna put it. Also, don’t get personal about the songs themselves. It doesn’t mean the song is about you, just I associate certain songs with certain people. I’m sure you do it, too. I’ll probably forget a zillion of them, so I’ll be editing this:

Jai Ho = Jen Rhodes, “The Speed Tables”

Boom Boom Pow = Carly Cox, Kelsay Skaggs

Disturbia = Laura Cook, Missi Groller

Hoedown Throwdown = Nate Goodlet

You’re Beautiful (Phil Wickham) = Tony Ochoa

Hosanna = Hannah Dempsey

Womanizer = Lizzie Jackson, J Phil

What Them Girls Like = Maria Gerasci

Mrs. Officer = Missi

Lucky = J Rhodes

Live Your Life = Amanda Weekley

Right Now (Na Na Na) = Dantastic

So What = Ben Laizure

Swagga Like Us = Kyle Phelps

Whatever You Like = Maria, Dan

Gummy Bear Song = JB, Tyler, Lee and the rest of the Baxter Lobby who knows it’s coming when you hear that “pop” sound

Cry For You = Johnny Sefik

Heartless = Cody Johns

A Moment Like This = Garret Render

Buy U A Drank = Julia

U and Me = Emily Metzner

Fireman = Emily Spotts

That’s How You Know = Mike, JB, the Nautical Wonders crew

Let’s Get it Started = Abby Beard

Electric Slide = Lauren Clark

Cupid Shuffle = Heidi, Lauren

Leavin’ = Julia

Lip Gloss = Julia

Elevator = Julia, Rachel, Daniel (haha Bailar)

Cyclone = Kim Dernlan (“danced” to it in the car while driving)

Burnin’ Up = Kescy, Cody

In the Ayer = Lizzie, Laura (“Oh, hot darn, this is my barn…” lol)

Kiss Kiss = Christine Siciliano

Crank That = Sigala

Drop it Like it’s Hot = Josh Kaufman (“Pop it like it’s hot…” i.e. The Pop Quiz Song)

Somebody to Love = Sami Pollack

Pokerface = Anna Carlson, Heidi (Poke-her-face haha)

Chicken Noodle Soup (?) = Missi, Natalie

Calabria 2007 = Kescy, Kris, Jesse, Damian (the video from last fall…)

Paper Planes = Dan, Hannah, Michelle Kuseske

Ooh Ahh = Kris Ayers

Don’t Stop Believin’ = Abby, Ashley

Mighty to Save = Steph Mejias

Sweetly Broken = Aaron Milton

I’m Yours = Vanessa Nagy

Single Ladies = Regina (remember that night when we were telecounseling? ha)

You Found Me = Kristin Knudsen

Baby’s Got Sauce = Hannah, Nikita

Diva = Tebby

O Saya = Ashley Duchesneau

Right Round = Ally Garza

Apologize = Jon Spallino

Bad Day = Anna Carlson

Halo = Nicole Valentin

Bless the Lord (Son of Man) = Mo’, Amarja

Everlasting God = Andrew DeCarion

When it Rains = Kim, Grace

My Life Would Suck Without You = Kaylyn

Latarian Milton Hoodrat Remix = Missi (“I yanked the thing”)

Low = Mike, Jade

Ten Minutes Ago = Rach

Knock You Down = Tebby

Worship (from The Valley of Vision)

tarwars — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 23:55:29 +0000

The following prayer is from a book called “The Valley of Vision.” It is a collection of Puritan prayers that are so basically inspiring and powerful. I personally love them and have been wanting to incorporate them into my daily time with God, and I just found our copy of the book the other day, so I was pretty excited. I read this prayer this morning and thought it hit the nail on the head of what Sundays and Church should be about:

“Worship”

O LORD,

We commune with thee every day,

but week days are worldly days,

and secular concerns reduce heavenly impressions.

We bless thee therefore for the day sacred to our souls

when we can wait upon thee and be refreshed;

We thank thee for the institutions of religion

by use of which we draw near to thee and thou to us;

We rejoice in another Lord’s Day

when we call off our minds from the cares of the world

and attend upon thee without distraction;

Let our retirement be devout,

our conversation edifying,

our reading pious,

our hearing profitable,

that our souls may be quickened and elevated.

We are going to the house of prayer,

pour upon us the spirit of grace and supplication;

We are going to the house of praise,

awaken in us every grateful and cheerful emotion;

We are going to the house of instruction,

give testimony to the Word preached,

and glorify it in the hearts of all who hear;

may it enlighten the ignorant,

awaken the careless, reclaim the wandering,

establish the weak, comfort the feeble-minded,

make ready a people for their Lord.

Be a sanctuary to all who cannot come,

Forget not those who never come,

And do thou bestow upon us

benevolence towards our dependents,

forgiveness towards our enemies,

peaceableness towards our neighbors,

openness towards our fellow-Christians.

“One down…”

tarwars — Sat, 23 May 2009 18:18:57 +0000

“…at least three more to go.”

So I have finished my first year of college and have now begun the swift transition into one of the most dreadful summers of my life.

It’s not that there’s anything inherently horrible about it, but rather I just can’t wait to be back starting my second year and seeing all the many friends that i’ve made and already miss so dearly. Luckily we are already preparing to move out of this first summer month and into the second. Thankfully it appears to be moving fairly quickly.

Reflecting on my freshman year, I really can’t think of anything I disliked about, other than the fact that it had to come to an end. It flew by faster than I could have imagined. First semester seemed like one giant party, staying up late, getting to know so many people. Second semester was time to crack down, making sure grades became at least a little bit more of a priority, deepening those great relationships (ending some, beginning some) and starting to discover our roles as leaders in the coming year. The potential impact we could have on the incoming class would be phenomenal and I know that I wasn’t the only one excited about that prospect.

Freshman year was a time to start over. Whoever you were before has been erased, the slate wiped clean. No one knows or cares who you used to be. What matters is the way you are living now. That is something many people benefited from, getting a fresh start, a second chance.

God is all about second chances. I wasn’t really living my life in a manner that I thought was pleasing to Him. But I was able to be away from the environment that I had previously been living that way in and develop a new outlook and new discipline.

Boy was I blessed to have such an awesome roommate! Dan has been the perfect roommate and I could not ask for better. Yeah, he is a little crazy sometimes but I’ve learned to live with it. After all, everybody’s normal til you get to know them.

In conclusion, this feels like some sort of Graduation speech rather than a blog post, but it’s true. I just wanted to express how much I loved and learned this year and how I can’t wait to begin the next chapter in this exciting journey that is college.

Peace in His name,
Taylor Thomas Smythe

Marriage

tarwars — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:54:21 +0000

We’re driving to South Carolina for the wedding of two people that I’ve known pretty much forever. It’s really weird that they are only a couple years older than me, and I can only imagine how daunting it must be for groom or bride to have the ominous wedding day ahead. How sure can you be that you’ve made the right decision? What if it just isn’t what you expected?
I am really excited to get married and I can’t wait for that person to come along that I will spend the rest of my life with.
I’m actually really nervous for the groom. If I were the groom, I would be wondering if I would be able to be a good enough husband to my wife and eventually father to my kids. It’s not a decision you can make lightly, although our society has made it okay to marry and divorce evanescingly. I guess we have whatever his face across the pond that started the Anglican church to thank for that… Selfish brat… He ruined the sanctity of marriage. Although you could argue that polygamy was sort of the same thing, but it just died down after divorce came into the spotlight.
Well, that’s pretty much all I have to say about that.

Wednesday at Wannamaka

tarwars — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 03:46:52 +0000

So this past week I stayed at the PBA campus downtown (my future home) for a yearbook seminar/camp thing. It was a lot of fun and we did lots of crazy things, broke curfew every night, etc.

On Wednesday we were all given the afternoon free and so we had to find ourselves some dinner. It was pretty convenient that we had free time, because I needed to find a last piece of my 80s costume for the 80s dance that night.

For my free time, I decided to first take a walk to the beach. It took me about twenty minutes. I went in the water, and let me tell you it was the nicest, warmest ocean water I’ve ever stepped into. It was very relaxing and it felt great to just swim around a little. When I got bored of that I walked back to campus to take a shower and get all the sand off me.

After a nice shower and a couple hours in the amazing Warren Library, I got hungry. I was craving Pizza Girls (which in a way sucked because apparently this was the 30th Anniversary of The Cheesecake Factory and they were selling slices for $1.50), so I took a walk to Clematis. I ordered two slices of my favorite pizza, Little Italy, but they only had one, so I ordered a cheese with the remaining slice. I think it was kind of a good thing that they didn’t have it. You’ll see why.

I took my pizza out to the fountains and sat at a table by myself facing the fountains. I decided to start eating my little Italy first. This was because I felt this feeling that I needed to share my cheese slice with one of the homeless people in the area. I was starting to stress out about deciding which one, but I just knew I would be led to them. I finished my pizza then took the box and started to walk along the sidewalk. A homeless man made eye contact with me and I held out the pizza box. He nodded his head and I walked toward him. He thanked me and smiled a little, and I walked away.
It felt good to help someone and show them that love that Jesus Christ has shown to us his people.

But I guess I reverted back to selfish mode when I realized I needed to take a quick trip to Publix to buy some sunglasses for my 80s costume. I found them, bought them, and after having a lady in customer service cut some string off them, I started to walk home.

Surprise! It started raining. Which means I had to run from about halfway to Oceanview. It was exciting trying to beat the rain to the dorm.

Then I basically just waited for the dance to start, which was interesting and it definitely reminded me of our high school dances, except I didn’t dance save for with the Cupid shuffle and cha cha slide. Mostly because I didn’t know anyone, but also because I felt like somewhat of a pedophile, me being a college student and all

After that I for ready for bed and walked down to the intracoastal. It was really pretty (I’m sure I took a pix and facebooked it).

But that was my Wednesday. I think my motive behind posting this was to make you think I’m great for sharing food with a homeless guy, but I’m really the biggest coward I know. I didn’t even have the courage to talk to him. I need prayer that God will break down my fears and apprehensions and let me realize that he is sufficient.

Thanks for reading.